A Message from Beyond?

Appa had this favorite clock that hung in our dining room which was modeled as an ancient clock made of wood. He spent a lot of time searching for a model that would satisfy his quest for those grandfather type clocks and finally bought this one so it must have been special. As far as I can remember he took a lot of pride in keeping it clean and also making sure that the batteries were changed as soon as they wore out, so the clock never stopped for more than a couple of hours at the max. This was during his healthy days.

After his surgery for liver resection 3 years ago, he stayed with us for 3 months and then went back home. Apparently his first instinct upon return was to check if the clock was still running and heaved a sigh of relief to see that it was. His comment to mum was that since the clock was still running he had some more time on this planet. Wow!

This time when I went back upon hearing his condition, I didn't pay much attention to that clock except to check the time. It was still running and I didn't know about his belief with respect to the clock. Precisely a week after dad's passing I noticed that the clock had stopped too and that is when mum told me about his earlier comment. That sort of sent shivers through my spine. The time on the clock was 3:30. Being busy with all the post-funeral ceremonies, I didn't think of changing the batteries. After that we moved temporarily to my grandparents' place, so once again I lost a chance of getting it back to run.

About a week later when I came back home, I couldn't help but noticing that the time on the clock had changed. The house was locked all this while so nobody could have entered to prank us. From what was 3:30 a week ago it was showing 3:55. Why would that be so significant? 3:55 was the time of dad's leaving this world!!! I was shocked beyond words and kept staring at his photo, silently asking him if he was sending us a message through his favorite clock.

We normally tend to believe that articles that don't have life cannot be connected to, but this was an amazing experience to see how this belief could be wrong. The practical person in me still believes that probably there was some life left in the battery to make it work, but then again I ask myself why or how would it stop exactly at 3:55 not a minute here or there???

My Life with Appa

My earliest memories of Appa are from my toddler days. As most fathers he would do anything to keep his only daughter happy. He got scolded for pampering me but that did not deter him. It only got us closer. I still remember when I preferred him to look after me while he was around even though mum spent most time with me. The days he went away on business trips used to be the hardest for me and I even hid his tickets once so he would not leave me and go. He was very upset that time but yet did not scold me (maybe he was happy not to go too).

He used to religiously drop me off at school on his way to work on our scooter and I used to enjoy the ride – standing in the front while I was little and sitting behind him holding his tummy real tight when I grew up a bit. Those were blissful days. He always used to be at school to cheer me if I got an award or a rank and the pride in his eyes would be enough to encourage for the next year. He was a good badminton player and taught me the game so I could win some matches in the company tournaments. I loved playing with him since he treated me as an adult and advised me when I faltered rather than losing his cool.

This was the same attitude he maintained while teaching me to ride a bicycle. We had a huge ground in front of our house and I would have fallen a few times, but every time he was always there to lift me and console me until I could go fully around the ground. Sunday afternoons were for such activities that made him my role model. Once I had mastered the bicycle, he taught me how to ride his beloved scooter – a Lamby – even though I was too young for it. My dream used to be to be able to drive his car like him. To please him I used to clean it on days that I got ready quickly in the morning or on holidays. He let me start our Fiat Premier Padmini and that used to be a treat for being a good girl.

When I reached high school we bought our first piece of land and constructed our dream home for then. Dad and Mum took the role of architects and I was consulted in important matters to make me feel special. This house was quite far from my school, so we had to take the bus everyday and dad always accompanied me even if it was out of his way from his office. His head on collision with a truck was a blow to our otherwise normal life and put him out of action for 3 months. There were times when I wished he did not work and stayed home with me, but this was not how I wanted it to be.

As soon as he was back to work, he was sent to Indonesia for a project. I was sad that he wouldn’t be with us, but the thought of him flying overseas was more exciting. As a perfect husband and father, he sponsored us to visit him. That was a beautiful trip by the end of which there was a turning point in our lives. He was offered a job he couldn’t turn down for any reason other than me. He waited almost a year to make this crucial decision since I was in Year 11 / 12. He finally accepted the offer and moved to Indonesia although he made sure he visited us every 2 months even if for just a few days. I guess by this stage I started missing him lesser since I was busier with my studies and knew he was away from us for his own career development.

He travelled places and climbed up the management ladder, while still being a good father. He made sure that I got a glimpse of Europe while he and mum were placed there. That was a memorable experience and his joke with the Sri Lankan cricket team on their exit from World Cup will always put a smile on my face even on the dullest of days. At the turn of the century and while I was completing my Bachelor’s, he decided it was time to move back to be with me, but unfortunately this was the stage where I wanted to fly away from their nest. He single-handedly backed me with my decision to fly to the US to pursue my Masters’. He came along with me to set me up which showed how much he cared for me.

Those 2 years in the US, made me a bit cold and detached from the 2 most precious people of my life, even though they tried to be there as much as they could. When I finally got back to the nest it was not the same. Dad got extremely busy with work and I hardly got to see him even though he was not travelling much. In a few days marriage happened and that surely drifted me from him even further since I moved to Australia. Priorities change and I thought this was normal only to be proven wrong.

The diagnosis of cancer brought a very emotional phase. Our will as a family was put to an ultimate test. The fight was his but the battle was ours. We wanted him to be victorious as we have always seen him. The decision to go with surgery was the first step in this long battle and I had the honour of looking after him through that and after. But, the disease was not one to give up easily and kept coming back. He fought with everything he had and yet had the energy to help me out with my new baby. He absolutely adored his grandson and I could see just how much he would have loved me when I was a baby. My respect for him grew with each passing day and was very happy that I could spend quality time with him. But, there was always the fear of what if the cancer got the better of him. In my greed to keep him with me, we decided on a new treatment which we thought would completely cure him.

This in fact deteriorated him maybe because of all the treatments his body had already gone through. He still did not lose hope and kept on fighting, his short term goal was to celebrate his 60^th birthday in a grand way. I was extremely happy to see his will power take him through the elaborate ceremony. He went through it as though he was perfectly normal. Slowly the cancer was spreading and there was not much we could do other than to see him decline. I wanted to look after him towards the end of his life just the way he did at the beginning of my life. I was only partially successful in this since I had my own family. It is funny how you have to share your time between the ones that gave you your life with the ones that you gave life to.

The news of him suffering in his last few days caused a lot of heart ache and the thought of losing him was scary. Even in all this pain he kept reassuring me that he was fine and asked me not to worry about him. I wish he passed on some of his virtues to me via his genes. As much as I was softly persuaded by others to go back and be with him, I was reluctant to see him suffering and hold those as last memories of him. The day I finally did go back to see him, he was fully on life support and the image of a strong man being tied down by tubes and not conscious to even feel his daughter made me cry. Sometimes I wish I had not gone back, because maybe then he would have been just fine. The doctor’s advice of pulling the plug was like a nightmare, how could I take responsibility of taking away the life of the One who had given me this life? Thankfully Appa as much as he cared for me didn’t give me that misfortune and passed away on his own. It was very difficult to see him in that state, but seeing him suffer any more would have been tougher.

All I could do was to stare at his body that supported me all along and silently pray that his soul rest in peace while knowing that now nobody could separate him from me – not even cancer. It still feels like he is around me, guiding me in every possible way. I LOVE YOU APPA and THANKS FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE DONE FOR ME!